H: The Meaning of Stress, or, Why I Love Jessica Moores and Stout Photography.

I've spoken about our photographer Jessica repeatedly and repeatedly touted her awesomeness. Well, Jessica is the gift that keeps on giving.

I've been really, really stressed out the past couple of days and not because of the wedding, but because of the house. We're moving tomorrow, and there are still boxes to pack, and STILL a loan to secure. Luckily the seller of our house is a total sweetheart and letting us rent the place until such time as the loan goes through once and for all or we find another lender.
That coupled with the fact that I've had a toothache the past four days or so means that it's been a rough week and unfortunately wedding planning has taken a backseat at a time that it shouldn't and I really don't want it to. Now that things have calmed down I find myself needing to re-examine what's left to do, but my heart wasn't as in it as I wanted it to be since I'm too worried.
Then on a whim I decided to re-visit Jessica's blog, and I was blissfully reminded of why I'm doing this, and how wonderful it's going to be. Shots like these, and these. Look at the joy. The love. The sheer excitement of a family coming together to create something larger and more full of love, and finally the relief of knowing that - for better or worse - these two people have knitted and united themselves together. It's wonderful and it's FUN. Somewhere along the line of stress and uncertainty about what was going on, I'd forgotten that.
I'm very happy, and very grateful, to be reminded.

H: When you really know he's the right person.

Throughout my life, I've heard stories of how people knew that their mate was "the one", and I'm certainly no exception. I figured it out when Josh held my hair back unprompted for me to wash my face when I couldn't find a hair tie. Of course, it wasn't just this act, but it's what it symbolized; that this person was MY person. That we would do something to and for each other that no one else would, and we'd do it unprompted.
Okay. That's all well and good, but that's talking about the mushy stuff. The candles and red wine while soaking in a bubble bath filled with romance. What about the boring mundane of the everyday? The bills to pay? Decisions to make? The darker times? Most marriages that are going to fail do so within the first two years and even the most loving couples argue on occasion.
I realized this yesterday and I've been thinking it over ever since: whenever Josh and I have a fight, I'm MORE certain that he's the right person for me, not less.
Here's why: we fight fair. No name calling, no shouting, no bringing up old events, no accusatory statements (which actually isn't on our radar since we get things settled). Even when we're angry, upset, frustrated, etc. we make a point to communicate well. And we trust each other enough to talk about what we're going through in our own heads and know that the other person won't make fun of or judge the other for it. Even though we're fighting, we're on the same side. We're always a team.
I'm happy to say that this gets results. When we fight, we work together to solve the problem. Admittedly, a lot of the credit (I'd say about 55-60%) goes to Josh since I'm a stubborn creature and he's more willing to be the first person to say "I see your side of it" and from there I agree and we work out the solution. I'm learning from him though and working on it. And luckily I can laugh at myself enough to say "can't, too stubborn!" or, my personal favorite, "...I'd like it just fine."
I'm learning that fighting with Josh is one of the best parts of our relationship specifically because it makes us both better people and our relationship stronger. I don't like it when we're angry, but I do like that both of us acknowledge that the thing we're fighting about is usually a symptom of something else that's bothering us, and we feel free to address it.
Proof that, once again, he is the most incredible man alive.

Nightmares....oh....the nightmares....

I've written before about some of the nightmares I've had while wedding planning but they've lately been leaving me alone. Given that we're now 22 days out, I suppose I was due for one.
In the one I had last night, everything went wrong. I had forgotten to make the escort cards, my hair stylist/beloved friend Janaya got angry and left, our make up artist was highly annoyed that we were three hours late, we weren't going to have any time for pictures, all the guests were arriving and eating at the wrong time, they were seeing me before the wedding getting my hair and make up done, someone in the bridal party brought an extra guest....it was just a mess.
But, like all my wedding nightmares, this one motivated me to get everything going. I've ordered the tags for the escort cards and they should be arriving very soon if they haven't already.
I never felt like I was running out of time in regards to my wedding. Never. It was always so abstract. Now that it's just a few weekends away....I'm starting to really feel the pressure. I can no longer add components or change the menu. I now have to solve very real logistical problems quickly and to everyone's satisfaction, which really puts the year of diplomacy to the test.
For a while there, I was really sick of my wedding. That's the main reason I didn't blog, I think. I really had nothing to say on the matter. But now that we're starting to get close, I'm once again really looking forward to it and trying to figure out all the cracks that I may have missed, all the bits that still need to be set and all the kinks that still need to be massaged. It's the moment of truth here, folks. And I will not tell a lie.

Updates, 20 something days out

We met with our amazing DJ Joe, our incredible jeweler Mike, and are now at 75 scarves. The seating chart is pretty much done and I'm at the point of not being concerned with anything. I'm just going to sit back, relax, and dwell in my strong belief that everything is going to go beautifully well.

H: Weight Loss and the W word

Pressure, pressure, pressure.
We live with daily societal pressure.It provides a veritable How-to for just about everything; how to be a good daughter, how to screw up your life, how to fit in, how to keep on top, how to be accepted by your fellow human beings, how to keep polite company. It is, for lack of a better term, our way. Wedding planning is no different, and while living inside of it I've seen these how-to's amplified, exemplified, and without logic celebrated to the point of infamy. I've been exposed to a completely different societal pressure than I ever have before. One of those societal pressures? Weight loss. In order to be the ideal bride, I must wear a white dress, I must have my hair done, I must be neatly trimmed with make-up in place, and I must be thin. If I'm not, there will be consequences. Observe:



and my personal favorite:

I've got to ask....does this piss anyone else off? Or is it just me?

I'm now ashamed to admit that one of the first things I thought of when Josh and I set a date was "okay....that gives me a year and a half to lose weight" and I'm certainly not alone. Some people do see a wedding as an excellent chance to drop some weight, and this can be a good thing because it provides a wonderful opportunity for better health. I myself have dropped a few pounds (though that's because I put my back out last month and pain is an appetite suppressant) and yes, I feel and look a bit better. I'm not against that by any stretch of the imagination.
BUT one of the saddest things that I constantly come across on the wedding forums is people trying to lose weight for their wedding in the UNFOUNDED belief that if they don't they will be ugly, or they won't have a good time, or more importantly, that they somehow would have let everyone down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially calling BULL$**T.

Josh loves me, all of me, the way I am. He does not judge me because I have a little extra in the trunk (always have, always will). He loves my arms, even though I think they're flabby. Is he going to see me coming down the aisle and think "hmm, she could have stood to lose a bit"? Hell no. I'm not going to starve myself. I'm not going to feel bad about myself.

I'm going to be a bride, the way I am.

H: When dreams and reality collide.

78 days left. 62 scarves complete. 55 confirmed RSVPs received, slightly more beef than chicken with one vegetarian thus far, two if you count Bridesmaid Jen who doesn't really need to RSVP. I'm gobbling up the news of response cards received and making the same to-do lists over and over again, always shifting and changing what I think still needs to get done, letting go of what is too late to accomplish.
Suddenly it is all very, very real and I find myself wondering what is going to go wrong and if this is in fact going to be the greatest day of my life. When I ask myself the questions themselves I come back with "of course not, silly goose". I get to emerge as fully married to the love of my life by the end of November. How many people truly get to do that? That's very real and that's what it's really about. But the fact that my wedding is no longer an abstract seems to be making me somewhat uneasy. I wish I knew why because I would really, really like to know. Maybe the magnitude of what is happening. I feel like there's a large and very important flock of geese headed in this direction, and I've always been on the flight path. But this time instead of being a stop along the way, Josh and I are the destination.
I don't know. I can't really think of any other appropriate metaphors, even avian ones. I don't even know if I'm right. Maybe I'm feeling stress. Maybe buying a house while finishing up wedding planning is what's fueling my feelings of malaise. Maybe that once again everything is changing rapidly and I'm trying to catch up. Maybe it's about having to heal and being in the middle of getting my body back from indescribable pain and the knowledge that I am, in fact, still an animal. Maybe it's a combination. Whatever it is, I am really, really emotionally drained.
I don't mean to complain, I really don't. I'm incredibly lucky to have the support system that I do and the people in my life that I have. My life is wonderful, I don't pretend that it isn't. I suppose that I'm just in the middle of a lot and it's taking a bunch out of me. I thoroughly look forward to the coming festivities!

And....they're off!

On Sunday Josh and I met with Mom and Sister Jen to stuff our invitations. We stamped and addressed 56 envelopes. Mom wrote, Jen stamped, Josh sealed, I stuffed.

I've been so freaked out about the guest list...going over capacity, people feeling like second class citizens during dinner, parents being angered at our limited child list, etc. and as we stuffed and sealed, a sense of calm washed over me. It was done. The decisions had been made.
And also by sending out our invites, we're affording other people the opportunity to get excited about the wedding, too!

Yesterday, we released our little bundles of excitement into the wilds of the US Postal system.
God help us all.